THE BONG CONNECTION

“Tumi Bangla boojho toh (I hope you understand Bangla)?” He swiftly changed his language, but couldn’t camouflage his intentions. “If you don’t know Bangla, then you must learn it. It is important here. I am an Ahomiya (native of Assam) but still I learnt it on the job and now can speak fluent Bangla.” Paani meh reh kar magar se bair? Acchi baat nahin hai. So it is best to behave like a Roman in Rome. Well, I politely replied in Bangla to dispel his fears, “Sir, Aamar babar baadi Dhanbade. Aami ektu-ektu bolte paadi par aami Bangla bhooji (I come from Dhanbad and can understand Bangla well, but can’t speak fluently).” I don’t know why I brought in geography in language matters. Quite irrelevant though, but having spent good 21 years of my life in a Bengali neighbourhood called for some subtle acknowledgement, isn’t it? When people pretend to be ignorant of Dhanbad’s exact location on India’s map and shamelessly ask me, “Where is Dhanbad?” I identify Dhanbad as a small town of Jharkhand, famous for coal mines, mafia and the only mining school in Asia, Indian School of Mines, and close to Kolkata. Thankfully, all those who board the train from Kolkata spare me the trouble of answering this silly question. Thank God for small mercies.

This dislike for Bongs in genral dates back to my childhood which I spent in the company of Bongs and only Bongs so much and so that my mother still regrets that even then I can’t speak fluent Bangla. How shameful? Anyway, frankly speaking, I was sick of my Bong neighbourhood in Dhanbad, mostly retired oldies, who took immense pride in just gossiping about meyes (girls), obviously not theirs. They would gather at a common place which provided them a good view of all the corners of the housing society, with clockwork precision around 3 pm and disperse by 7. Their news sources — maids, hawkers, shopkeepers, cable guy, electrician, plumber, chowkidaar — you name it and they knew whom to ask what to get the news that they so badly needed to keep their rumour mills running smoothly. Man, their news gathering efforts could put any wire agency to shame. Well-networked and connected, they were a nuisance by all means. The Devil that said, “neighbour’s envy, owner’s pride” was so right. Which girl goes where, comes back when, with whom, and why? Complete biography of the poor girl would be scrutinized and discussed in detail in the evening. No matter how hard you tried to hide, you still couldn’t escape their sharp pair of eyes and ears. These industrious gossipers would battle all odds — power cuts, crying babies at home, tired hubbies, who would look forward to being pampered by their wives after toiling hard in office, and even a scourge of deadly mosquitoes — to do what they enjoyed most, bitch (in polite words, gossip). They would leave only when their gossip session could be safely and satisfactorily concluded for the day, but only to be resumed next day, sharp at 3. Another day, another story. What devotion to their passion? Don’t these Bongs have anything else to do than pondering over the five Ws (who, what, when, why and where) and one H (how), I used to wonder. The truth remained: they were practically jobless throughout the day doing nothing, so they found some bizarre amusement and excitement in gossiping. And it would be mostly khitir-pitir in Bangla so that even if you tried to eavesdrop, you would get to nothing substantial to hear.

I love the way they love their matri-bhasha (mother tongue).No one does it better. If there are two Bengalis in a room, they would inevitably end up speaking in Bangla… and if a third person comes in, he would be coaxed to speak it too. After all majority wins hands down. If there are two Biharis, they would never speak in their mother tongue, not in public at least. It’s so down-market to be heard speaking your language (Bhojpuri, Magahi, Maithli, etc). I guess, it is this love that has made Bangla so popular and sometimes I feel as if the world would soon be a naturalized citizen of Bengal, with Bengali becoming the Lingua Franka, world over.

I can elucidate this further. Journos are mostly Mallus or Bongs because they think they are the best keepers of the English language. Another similarity is their undying love for their respective mother-tongues, Malayalam and Bangla respectively. One can’t make head or tail of Malayalam, but Bangla is still easy to grasp. So if you are surrounded by a majority of Bengalis, you are invariably forced to understand, learn and speak Bangla, sooner or later. It is the thumb rule to survive. So now not just an Ahomiya, the Punjabis, Himachalis, Garhwalis, Rajasthanis, Awadhis, Biharis notwithstanding, all of them peacefully co-exist by making Bangla their language to converse, convey and communicate in this newsroom. Another War of Words over a trivial little issue isn’t what we seek. So let peace prevail. I leave you with a classic example of vernacular literalism, in which the idiomatic expression for covert action, dube dube jol khao, is “sinking sinking, drinking water”.

My wish is like a fish, may your memory is short-lived (so that you forget what you have read here and don't have any hard feelings against me, esp if you are a Bong) and may you learn this trick to stay afloat even while you are sinking, always.

And here’s to the evergreen spirit of Jai Bangla (remember Jai Maharashtra came much later and that too thanks to Balasaheb). I’m sure you will be rolling on the floor, by the time you reach the last alphabet.

A is for Awpheesh (as in Office). This is where the average Kolkakatan goes and spends a day hard at work. And if he works for the 'Vest Bengal Gawrment' he will arrive at 11, wipe his forehead till 12, have a tea break at 12.30, throw around a few files at 1.00, break for lunch at 1.30, smoke the 7th unfiltered cigarette at 2, break for 5th cup of tea at 3, sleep sitting down at 3.30 and go home at 4.00. It's a hard life!

B is for Bhision. For some reason many Bengalis don't have good bhision. In fact in Kolkata most people are wearing spectacles all the time....Bhishon Bhalo and Bibhotso.... Though means opposite ...used for same situations.. .depending on the Beauty of fairer sex...are close ....almost in a tie for second spot.

C is for Chappell. Currently, this is the Bengali word for the Devil, for the worst form of evil. In the night mothers put their kids to sleep saying, 'Na ghumoley ebar Chappell eshey dhorey niye jabe.'

D is for Debashish or any other name starting with Deb. By an ancient law every fourth Bengali Child has to be named Debashish. So you have a Debashish everywhere and trying to get creative they are also called Deb, Debu, Deba with variations like Debopriyo, Deboprotim, Debojyoti, etc. thrown in at times....as creations of God himself!!

E is for Eeesh. This is a very common Bengali exclamation made famous by Aishwarya Rai in the movie Devdas. It is estimated that on an average a Bengali, especially Bengali women, use eeesh 10,089 times every year.. 'Ei Morechhey' is a close second to Eeesh.

F is for Feeesh. These are creatures that swim in rivers and seas and are a favourite food of the Bengalis. Despite the fact that a fish market has such strong smells, with one sniff a Bengali knows if a fish is all right. If not, he will say 'eeesh what feeesh is theesh!'

G is for Good name. Every Bengali boy will have a good name like Debashish or Deboprotim and a pet name like Motka, Bhombol, Thobla, etc. While every Bengali girl will have pet names like Tia, Tuktuki, Mishti, Khuku, et cetera.

H is for Harmonium, Bengali equivalent of a rock guitar. Take four Bengalis and a Harmonium and you have the successors to The Bheatles!

I is for Ileesh. This is a feeesh with 10,987 bones which would kill any ordinary person, but which the Bengalis eat with releeesh!

J is for Jhola. No selfrespecting Bengali is complete without his Jhola. It is a shapeless cloth bag where he keeps all his belongings and he fits an amazing number of things in. Even as you read this there are two million jholas bobbling around Kolkata, and they all look exactly the same! Note that 'Jhol' with mysterious condiments.. . As in Maachher Jhol is a close second. Jhaamela and Jachhetai are distant 3rd and 4th.

K is for Kee Kaando! It used to be the favourite Bengali exclamation till eeesh took over because of Aishwarya Rai.Kee mushkil is a close second.

L is for Lungi, the dress for all occasions. People in Kolkata manage to play football and cricket wearing it not to mention the daily trip in the morning to the local bajaar. Now there is talk of a lungi expedition to Mt. Everest.

M is for Minibaas. These are dangerous half buses whose antics would effortlessly frighten the living daylights out of all James Bond stuntmen as well as Formula 1 race car drivers.

N is for Nangto. This is the Bengali word for Naked. It is the most interesting naked word in any language!

O is for Oil. The Bengalis believe that a touch of mustard oil will cure anything from cold (oil in the nose), to earache (oil in the ear), to cough (oil on the throat) to piles (oil you know where!).

P is for Phootball. This is always a phavourite phassion of the Kolkattan. Every Bengali is born an expert in this game. The two biggest clubs there are MOHUNBAGAN and East Bengal and when they play the city comes to a stop.

Q is for Koshchen (question) as in "Mamatadi koshchens Cheap Ministaar in Writaars Buiding."

R is for Robi Thakur. Many many years ago Rabindranath got the Nobel Prize. This has given the right to all Bengalis no matter where they are to frame their acceptance speeches as if they were directly related to the great poet and walk with their head held high. This also gives Bengalis the birthright to look down at Delhi and Mumbai and of course 'all non-Bengawlees'! Note that 'Rawshogolla' comes a close second!

S is for Shourav. Now that they finally produced a genuine cricketer, that too a captain, Bengalis think that he should be allowed to play until he is 70 years old. Now old is not always gold, dear Bongs.

T is for Trams. Hundred years later there are still trams in Kolkata. Of course if you are in a hurry it's faster to walk....Trams are still existing in Paris too.......you see!

U is for Aambrela.. When a Bengali baby is born he is handed one.

V is for Bhaayolence. Bengalis are the most non-violent violent people around. When an accident happens they will fold up their sleeves, shout and scream and curse and abuse, "Chherey De Bolchhi" but the last time someone actually hit someone was in 1939.

W is for Water. For three months of the year the city is underwater and every year for the last 200 years the authorities are taken by surprise by this!

X is for X’mas. It’s very big in Kolkata, with Park Street fully lit up and all Bengalis agreeing that they must eat cake that day.

Y is for Yesshtaarday. Which is always better than today for a Bengali (see R for Robi Thakur)?. It is also for Jubraj Shingh and Joga.

Z is for Jebra, Joo, and Jipper..

(Laughter means taking a mischievous delight in someone else's uneasiness, but with a good conscience. So I hope you enjoyed this post… it’s all in good humour, trust me).